Prisoner To the Water
by The Jazzy
Summary: My life is a gaping hole that no surgeon can fix. My life is the darkest corner of a bright room. Rain on a sunny day."
1. Preface

Preface

The waves pullrd me under. I smiled. This was my dream my hope. I felt my body touch the bottom, then float back up. I didn't like that. I sucked in a breath then another. My lungs filled with air. Good. I could feel the waves pulling me up then down, back and forth. There was no time. There was no gravity. There was just the darkness. And my inability to get out.


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

I was awaken by the bright lights. Three bright lights shining in my face.

Men and wonmen in scrubs swarmed me. One of them placed somthing over my mouth and nose. I screamed and pushed it off. I lifted my head to see what was going on.

My body was wide open. I could see my iner workings. I could see everything that kept my body from just breaking down and not working. They were fixing them.

I didn't want that. I wanted to be left to die.

A crime scene. Or at least the scene of a death. One of them was able to get the plastic object over my mouth. I tried to object or push it off but the air in my mouth tasted so good. I was so perfect. I couldn't ruin this moment. This moment was all to me. No one else could ruin it. I was sucked deeper into unconciousness. It seemed like death I smiled. _Good. Let them kill me. Let them feel bad. This world is not here for you to feel good in it. _I was finaly sucked into unconciousness just in time for me to get that smile off my face. If I was going to die. It wouldn't be with a smile...._or maybe it would...._I didn't have time to finish my mind war with myself as I was sucked into unconciousness, completely.


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

What does death feel like? A question that is unanswerable. No one can tell someone else what it's like to die. When you die you are dead. When your heart stops and then is restarted you don't remember dying. Unanswerable.

Death was somthing I was looking forward to. A goal. I wanted to die. No one curently loved me. What was the piont of living.

I was a lonely soul. A cast off.

The rainbows and princesses little girls dreamed of were not on my list of things-to-become. My list consisted of dead and dead. I was prepared to die. I had thrown myself at every chance of death. I had never loved and never been loved. I had reason to die. I had reason to dispise life.

My dislike of life was more than a dsilike, it was a hate.

* * *

I was waiting to wake back up. The air I had tasted was gone and now I was left to wait. No dreams. No way to entertain myself. I thought of death. If I could control my body I would have smiled. The wait was dark and depressing.

I woke screaming. I couldn't remember but I must have dreamed. A nurse ran in and ran out. Minutes passed and a doctor came with the running nurse behind him.

He quickly ran over to the top of my IV tubes and squeezed a syringe into the tube.

As he did that I realized that my heart rate was closed to the piont of cardiac arrest. My heart slowed and I calmed down.

He walked over to me and smiled. _You are an odd one. _

I gave him a weird face _What are you talking about?_

_Well, to start, You came in with an abnoraml, yet still healthy, heart rate. Then we did CT scans and found an odd tomber in an odd area of your body. Then we opened you up to attemp to get it out and you woke up in the middle of your procedure. To our surprise that didn't affect your health at all._He examined my facial expression. _Thats not your only question...is it?_

_Your good. Well first of all: what is wrong with me? Why am I here? And: why do I have a craving for death...My own death?_

_All difficult questions. We arn't exactly sure whats wrong....We couldn't get the tomber out so we arn't sure. You're here because you were found...._He checked his clip board_....In the middle of a road....Now you know what I mean by 'odd one'. And we had no idea that you "craved your own death". We should probably have a hospital mental examiner talk to you._

_A _shrink_? _I screamed. _You're going to make me talk to a _shrink_?? _That wasn't something I was ready for.

_If you are craving your own _death _then it would be best if you talked to a professional._

_Go Away!! Go away!! I HATE YOU!! I hope you KILL me!! _I screamed at the top of my lungs. He left and I layed back realising that that was really stupid.. With a huge huff I closed my eyes and tried to imagine a happy place. It was unbeleivably difficult.

The idea of having a shrink made me want to cry. I'm not _that _insane. Am I?

What was he thinking. I don't know why I'm here.....I was actualy starting to like him and he has to ruin it!

I was able to imagine a rainbow and a unicorn before it was to hard and tiring. I fell asleep just as I was working out a princess.

**Thanks ou to those who read this and like it....Than k you for putting up with my weirdness and my odd thoughts....**

**This chapter is dedicated to the people at great wolf lodge....Thats where I got this Idea.**


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

I talked to the shrink. They made me. Said it was for my own good. Said I would be safe if I did. Safe from myself. I didn't think of myself as dangerous. But I was. I was a threat to myself.

I had . Dr. Philip Johnson. Boring name in my oppinion. I was hoping for someone with an exciting name. But his name matched his job. Being a shrink couldn't be exciting.

I walked in. He didn't look happy or excited to see me. My theory was correct. I wasn't happy to see him either.

The dostor, who's name I'd found out was , had escorted-which was really pushing my wheel chair-me down. I had thrown him a dirty look as he walked out.

The shrink was very involved considering how I had concieved his personality would be. He was very indeapth and intense considering he probably said the same thing to everyone, asked the same questions, answered the same questions. I found him a very interesting man.

He asked me questions then, I got to ask him questions. He was obviously anylizing my every move, my every question, my every answer.

My over all conclusion about him was, I liked him. I actually liked him and, I hoped to see him again.

He walked over to me and shook my hand. Then he took my wheelchair and brought me back to my room.

was waiting for us there. left and got me back into my bed.

_You seem less...angry...at me. _He noted.

_I'm not less angry_..._at_ _you. _I replied. It was true. I was still mad at him although, was growing on me.

He sighed, Checked my charts, and left.

_Good talking to you. _I muttered after him.

* * *

The meals here are crap. I don't know why I bother eating.

They brought me thin turkey and watery mahed potatoes. I had milk that was probably mixed from milk powder and water.

This hosptial was so cheap. I mean I understood that they needed to save the tax payers money but couldn't they splerge just a little for good food.

I was hungry so I ate anyway. If I didn't eat would think I'm trying to kill myself and I would probably have to have _more _therapy. I did like but, I didn't like the therapy.

was easy to talk to. He was funny and I could tell him everything that I found stupid about what he was doing. I found just about everything stupid but I kept up with it. Did what he said.

I saw him everyday. More than some of the doctors who came in after me.

I went into surgery again.

walked into my room as I woke up from my surgery.

_How did I do? _I asked him sleepily.

_You were able to stay asleep the whole time. We got more of the tomber out._

_But not the whole thing. _I finished, smiling. _That was expected. This tomber must be intertwined with like three major arteries or something._

This time he smile peering at me with his head tilted toward my charts. _Your good._

_Hmmm..._I said thoughtfuly_...So, How many more surgeries?_

_At this rate..one._

I smiled widely _Yay! _I said half-heartedly. The speaker over head announced

_ you are needed in OR two. you're needed in OR two._

He set my chart down then started to leave when he seemed to remember something. He leaned his head into my room.

_Oh yeah, Eli, the results from came back. I'll tell you later I have to go. _He walked out and I leaned back for sleep.


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

By this point my life in the hospitalwas seeming like a boring routine. Wake up, eat, see , See , eat again, and go to sleep.

Yesterday changed that.

Yesterday told me that my results from were in. That didn't changed anything until he told me what they were.

The day started like any other day. I woke up and had my breakfast then walked in and checked my charts. I watched him as he did his normal routine for everyday. He looked different. He looked stressed. Very stressed.

_What's wrong?_

He sighed. _A patient._

_Male or female?_

He looked at me and smiled. _Female._

I shot him a face of mock confusion. _I'm confused. What's wrong with her?_

_Well, _He sighed. _She has had two surguries already and she needs more because the tomber we're trying to get out is intertwined with major arteries and organs. She has been having...mental complications. I recently got her results back from . They..aren't what I was hoping for. I'd like to be able to send her out so she can have a life and...That may not happen._

_Oh! _I gasped. I started hyperventalating and my heart excelerated. I heard it on the monitor.

_Eli, you need to calm down. Eli, Eli! _He called anxiously. _Elisabeth calm down! It's okay! It's okay! We'll firgure it out just calm....._I never heard him finish, I could only focus on how I was slowly being pulled under by the darkness. The darkness had amazing strength. I felt nothing, except for the presure.

**Sorry this chapter is short but for the sake of suspense I didn't add more. I promise that the next chapter will be longer. The next chapter is almost finished because I had eight hours of free time but it won't be posted until I get 5 comments(They can be from the same people I don't care)!!!!**


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

The pain was unimaginable. It was too much for me. The darkness choked me. I wasn't sure if I was dead. I guessed that I wasn't because no pain this great could be felt in heaven. Or where ever we get to go when we die.

The presure let up enough for me to hear and feel.

I heard the doctors yelling at each other. They were yelling medical terms that I didn't understand.

I felt pain from head to toe. It was radiating out from the most painful part of my body. Somewhere near my heart.

I had no air in my lungs. I tried to suck in a big breath but nothing happened. I couln't breath. My body craved what it couldn't have. Air.

I felt the greatest pain yet. The middle of my chest was being torn. Ripped. Cut. It was more pain than any human being, young or old, should have to feel..

I was then able to breath. It was amazing. Horribly uncomfortable pain, then breath, oxygen. Air. I felt myself being lifted off of the bed and onto another flat surface.

I opened my eyes. I saw leaning over me. He was staring into my eyes and, almost, yelling at me.

_Elisabeth, look at me. Stay with me. Watch me. Don't lose me. Don't look away. You're going to be fine. We're going to bring you into surgery. We're going to get this tomber out. All I ask of you is that you keep yourself alive!!_

We went into a dark, quiet room that became very busy as soon as I was pushed McMillian was standing over me when I was pushed under a very bright white light. I remembered it from my first surgery. placed a familiar plastic object over my mouth. The familiar sweet tasting air I loved filled my lungs. The familiar feeling of not wanting to push it away. It was satisfying. I savoured every seocnd of it until the soft, gentle blackness pushed me under.

This blackness was not like the pain. It was somthing I could trust to push me under. I was ready to go under with the blackness surounding me.

Althought the blackness had me under I still felt the moments of pain as, what I believe was, the doctors were injecting a needle into my spine. I felt nothing as the liquid from the needle spread through my veins. The operation would begin. I was completely pulled under when the liquids spread completely throughout my body. I think I was under for more then 6 hours.

* * *

I woke up in my bright room. was standing, alone, on the wall at the end of my bed. He walked up to me when my eyes opened. He stroked my hair like he was my mother or father. He stopped as soon as he realised. He backed away as I asked

_What happened? How did I do? I need to know what's going on?_

He hesitated. _Elisabeth, I think that we should wait until you're...a little more rested._

I sat up, slightlt. _I deserve to know! It's my future! _I shouted at him.

_Elisabeth, Elisabeth, you...you need to calm down. This is what got you in that surgery. You almost died! I can't... _The calmed down a _little....I can't have that agian!_

_I'm sorry! I'm...sorry. I just need to know. No. Deserve to know. This will be hard for you but...It'll be twice as hard for me. I'll have to cope with whatever it is but...I can't deal with it until you tell me. _

He took a folder out of a drawer in the back of the room and sighed. _Okay, I guess you do deserve to know. _He layed the folder out onto the table that roles over my bed. I opened it and read the first page. It said:

_Mental examination_

_Doe, Elisabeth_

_Patient_

_Mental examiner_

_'s examination:_

_It seems this patient is working hard to hide herself from me. I have seen that this patient is subconciously doing all this. While talking to other doctors that have been associated with her I have learned that she has been feeling unusual feelings. She (her subconcious mind)wants to be surounded by death. Her mind has a craving, so to speak, for her own death. This can cause her to do unpredictable acts of danger. I am afraid she may hurt herself. _

_As shown on CT scan number 3 in this folder of my findings, Elisabeth a small part of her brain on the bottom left-hand side has slight swelling. While talking to her pediatric surgeon I learned that she may have a small cancer tomber there in her brain. This may be very dangerous to remove if left to long. I am not sure if removing this will change her brains funcions. We still believe it would be safer to revmove this soon but I still don't think it'll change anything. When she recovers completely and is let out of the hospital it will be dangerous for her to lead a normal life. I think it would be best if she either stays in the hospital under my care or in and instatution under my care or the care of a better trained, more educated doctor._

I skipped the rest of the that page and flipped through the rest of the folder. I got to the Ct scans and saw where and had drawn circles to shown the swelling. I peered up at before continuing. He was watching me, anxiously, waiting for me to finish and be mad at him.

The CT scans all showed almost the same thing, a blob with cricles and different shades of black and white.

I stared up at . My mind was scattered until my eyes met his anxious, scared, unsure eyes. Then suddenly my thoughts came together to leave me with one emotion. Doubt. I knew that niether of us had any idea what to do to let the rest of my life be slightly normal.I was unsure of my future. I thought of my possibilities.

_I need to talk to . _I managed to choke out.


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

The life I had now was not the life I would imagine for any normal teenager. I sat in 's office, wating. Waiting for the silver lineing had promised once my tomber was out. I guess this didn't count as "the tomber beng out" as I had another one in my brain. I sat thinking over the possibilities that had been layed out in front of me in one sentence.

Staying at the hospital or living in and institute were my only options. I could attempt to run away. I didn't imagin I would get far in my wheel chair with cancer in my head.

had exlained things very clearly. I had suicidal tendancies that my consious brain had not acknowledged like my subconcious brain had.

I was having trouble believeing that I had "two" brians that didn't communicate to each other. I wasn't sure why the brain had to work this way.

couldn't expain to me why the brain worked this way. He couldn't tell me why _I _had to be the one with these problems. He could only tell me that my opions were simple: Leave the hospital to another or stay at the hospital. I really had no choice. Hospital or hospital.

My mind told me to gather the few belongings I had in my room and offer them to somebody if that person would wheel me out of the hospital.

My heart told me that that would scare and . I couldn't do that to them. I wasn't heartless. I was futureless.

I was destined to stay in one hospital or another. To be the subject of tests and learning. To be some doctors tool to teach other, younger doctors how to deal with patients like me. Depressed and dangerous.

I could end up being locked in a room with nothing that I could possibly hurt myself with. They knew I could hurt myself. I was dangerous.

* * *

I woke up. I suddenly felt like my life was horrible. My life was the worst possible life on the world. I looked in the mirror and saw myself as the ugliest I could possibly be. As I looked at myself I realised that I didn't want to live. I felt like wastful skin. walked in.

_Hey! _He said, excitedly.

I didn't turn to him. I continued to stare at the mirror. _I...I think I feel it. I think my "brains" are comunicating. _

I watched him in the mirror. He looked confused. His face was showing his thoughts. I watched him piece it together and her gasped. _I have to get ! _

He ran out of the room. I quickly looked around for anything. Anything they would take away from me that I could hurt myself with. Anything that I knew I could use. They would take my toothbrush, only giving it to me when I brushed my teeth. They would take my tooth paste because if I ate one tube it could kill me. They would probably take almost anything else they could think of plus tie me to the bed or something to restrain me. There were many possible other procautions they would take to keep me safe from myself so I would have to hurry. I grabbed my toothpaste and opened the bottom drawer of my dresser and squeezed some tooth paste onto the floor underneath the bedside table. I didn't have a plan as to how I would get it later but I wouls slowly build it up everytime I brushed my teeth. When I had used the whole tube(which was currently full) I would get it.

Maybe by then I would have had someone wheel me out of here. Or they would have sent me to some institute accross town. No, accross the province. But, it was worth a try. It was worth it.

ran in with on his heels.

ran up to me while emptied my drawers.

_Elisabeth, I need you to tell me your symptoms. I need you to tell me who you feel._

_I want to die. I just don't want to exixt. _I said in a lifeless voice. I didn't look at him I was looking down. I didn't want him to see the look on my face. I had had a life knowing this feeling exsisted inside me but had never felt it. I had heard all the plans, I knew what they would do. I had that advantage._ What are you going to do with me?_

looked at who had stopped. _Umm...Well Elisabeth...that's...that's up to you. You need a brain surgeon. It would be wise of you to go to the mental institute. Technically it's up to you but, as your doctors I think we have the right to make you do those things. To follow our...advice. _

_Elisabeth, as much as we know your new mind doesn't want to do this, it's for your own good. _

I looked up at him. _I trust you._

**A/N I realize that the toothpaste thing is from CSI. Umm...I'm thinking of doing something like in those episodes of Grey's Anatomy. When Grey helps that serial killer. I'm not sure...tell me what you think!!! it's just below this message...it's not that hard to comment!**


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